applespice: it is a sparkly fairy ([funny] panda barfing rainbows)
How About Them Apples? ([personal profile] applespice) wrote2009-06-09 11:40 pm
Entry tags:

Tell me your secrets.

I seem hell-bent on ignoring my study guide, so let's do a Secrets Post.

You know the deal. Share your secrets in the comments to this post - no need to worry, IP logging is off and anonymous commenting is enabled. Let it all out!

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 04:48 am (UTC)(link)
I'm beginning to feel like a failure again. I don't have a job, I still live at home, and I don't have very many friends. I've never been good at the friend thing, but I've always at least been successful with other things. Now I don't even have that.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 04:53 am (UTC)(link)
I'm in the same boat.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 05:15 am (UTC)(link)
I'm the same. I wish I knew my friends list in real life because I feel like they're my real friends, but wishing that makes me feel pathetic.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:15 am (UTC)(link)
Me too :/

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:54 am (UTC)(link)
Ditto, minus the never been good at friend thing. I've always been good at making friends, but can't seem to do it here. And I recently lost my best friend here (and the only person I spend time with aside from my sister) to a girlfriend that is terrible for him.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 04:54 am (UTC)(link)
I'm cynical, but I desperately want to believe in love. I've just been burned so often that I've given up on it for myself, and I'm not that old yet.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:14 am (UTC)(link)
I'm in a similar situation. I haven't been in too many relationships, and most of them ended badly - and more than once in infidelity. It's a scary thing. I still believe in love, and I still get carried away with my feelings, but it's really hard for me to trust people after the things that've gone before. *hug* I hope you find someone who affirms your belief in love, and who will never hurt you.
tara: (Star Trek TOS: Uhura questioning)

[personal profile] tara 2009-06-10 10:54 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, me too. Not anonymous, because it's fairly common knowledge *g*

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 04:56 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so scared I'll never reach the expectations people have of me.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:15 am (UTC)(link)
Ugh, I know this feeling too well.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 05:17 am (UTC)(link)
For the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful that I'm not going to wander aimlessly through life.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:15 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so glad you feel that way :) I hope I can get to this point as well.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 05:27 am (UTC)(link)
Last week I thought of where I could honestly see myself in ten years, and I wanted to die.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:17 am (UTC)(link)

Things change all the time. I know that sounds like an empty consolation, but... you just never know what can happen from day to day. I really hope you're in a different and happier mindspace soon, and that in 10 years you've realized your dreams and formed new ones. *hug*

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 05:44 am (UTC)(link)
A majority of my life is at best depressing at the moment. Between miscommunication and misunderstanding issues at work, my failing long-distance relationship (and consequent desire to break up/be unfaithful/disappear), few to no opportunities to enjoy myself, and a lack of social life or anything resembling it, I'm beginning to wonder what purpose my life has taken. What am I doing here? Would anyone really notice if I were to vanish from the face of the Earth?

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:18 am (UTC)(link)
Someone would notice. I'm sorry things are going badly for you right now, but rest assured that people would notice and care and miss you if you weren't here.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 06:56 am (UTC)(link)
I've always made good grades in school and on tests without too much trying as I easily retain knowledge.
I'm terrified of these two tests on Saturday to the point where I'm not sleeping or eating much and feel nauseous at the very thought of it because I'm quite aware of my impending failure on them.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 03:15 pm (UTC)(link)
That's how I felt about my comprehensive exam :( I just knew I was going to fail it. I decided to cancel it, rather than waste my time. Is there any way for you to delay yours?

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 08:33 am (UTC)(link)
My life feels like its turning into something from a bad soap opera.

I'm fucking my best friend and we adore each other in a purely friendly way. The sex is fantastic; I took his virginity. Neither of us connect sex with love, so it works out perfectly. This isn't a secret- neither of us really care about keeping it that way, so it's a bit of a joke to our (close) friends, even if most of them have trouble really understanding and just treat it like we're together without really wanting to say we're together.

That being said, I am almost sure that I am falling in love with him, which is badbadbad, because all of those horrible things about falling in love with your best friends apply with the added awfulness of not getting laid anymore if I told him. He would probably feel far too guilty about being unable to return my feelings, even if I tried to reassure him that the sex part makes no difference. None of the things I feel have anything to do with having sex with him except in the ways that it has allowed me to get to know him better.

Last weekend I got drunk at a bonfire and a girl friend of mine who I've recently been getting close to both gave this best friend a blow job. at the same time. and I'm really nervous about that as well because I'm actually not attracted to her at all sexually and because of the way it's common knowledge I don't care about having sex outside of a relationship the only excuse I have for that is that she's rather unattractive. And I hate that because it means I'm totally shallow, doesn't it? And she hasn't had pretty much ANY sexual experiences besides that one and one very bad one where a boyfriend of hers nearly tried to rape her, so I almost feel like I should be willing to "teach" her our whatever - she's even made jokes to that extent.

If I'm drunk I probably won't care, because I am a notoriously slutty drunk. But if anything ever comes up while I'm not drunk it will be pretty obvious that I am not at all into it when it comes to her. And then I'll feel horrible for shutting her down on what would be a chance to be more open about being sexual in general.

And every time I try to use my usual way of looking at problems - trying to take a step back and see it all from the outside - it all looks so, so ridiculously impossible to be happening to me. I think that, from the outside, I just look like I'm a huge, shallow whore.

Sorry for the ridiculous amount of ridiculousness. But, at the very least, I guess it makes an ... interesting... story, right?

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 03:18 pm (UTC)(link)
NGL, it is super interesting. But I don't think you're shallow or a whore... just seems like you're in a couple of really tense and frustrating situations. On the one hand, you're falling for your best friend, and on the other, you're trying to keep up with a perception of yourself as a sexual and sexually open person (and there's nothing wrong with that at all, obvs), but with a person you're not attracted to. Seems like they'd both be really complicated :/

(Anonymous) 2009-06-10 12:35 pm (UTC)(link)
I'd like to see if you could artificially inseminate a chimp with a human embryo, or a human with a chimp embryo, like they do with lions and tigers sometimes at zoos.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 01:33 pm (UTC)(link)
OMG! Read NEXT by Michael Crichton! It's a surprisingly good novel, and it kind of address this point, too.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 03:19 pm (UTC)(link)
I bet you could. Though would the comparative size of a human fetus and a chimp fetus make a difference? That might be weird.

[identity profile] 2009-06-10 06:41 pm (UTC)(link)
I guess I don't need to do this anonymously ...

I think that I am overwhelmingly self-assured that it comes of as intimidating and arrogant, and even worse, it makes me think that most people are weak. I'm sort of worried since it becomes distancing and lonely, and aside from that, I'm a pretty optimistic person -- all that "I believe in human potential" stuff, you know. WHAT DO I DO, ARASAN.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 10:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Why do you think most people are weak? Is it just because they aren't as confident?

IDK, I wish I was so self-assured. I don't even know what to say to you because I am definitely not up where you are!
(deleted comment)

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 10:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh man, how uncomfortable. I hope you find them! I do things like that sometimes and it just tears me up.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-11 09:26 pm (UTC)(link)
I had promised myself that I would end the relationship I was in if it didn't improve in a month. So far, every month since something has stopped me from wanting to end it.

The secret is, if nothing had gotten better by the eleventh, I wasn't going to end the relationship...I was going to kill myself.

[identity profile] 2009-06-11 10:07 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm glad you're still here. I hope this means that the 11th month has passed and you decided not to do it? If not, please don't let it be something to end your life over. You're worth so much more than that.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-11 11:15 pm (UTC)(link)
I have a hard time believing that.

(Anonymous) 2009-06-13 02:52 am (UTC)(link)
I can't orgasm without being tied up or dominated in some similar way.

It's not the worst thing ever, but it's ... a secret? I'd be embarrassed for anyone to know.