Secrets, Part 5

[applespice]

I haven't done one of these in years, but it just struck me today to put a post up. If you have something weighing on you that you'd like to get out, post it here!

Share a secret in the comments. Anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off, so share whatever you like.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little secretive today?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I struggle with making it through my day to day life. I manage to pull together appearances for work, but I have a hard time doing what everyone else does as a matter of course. My house is filthy - not messy, but filthy. I'm ashamed to ever have anyone over, and feel like some sort of animal because I can't make myself keep my house even sanitary. Food rots in my refrigerator, dishes go unwashed for months. I sleep wrapped in a quilt that hasn't been washed in months, and I don't even have sheets anymore, but I never remember to get more...and when I had them, they were dirty and torn. Sometimes I even go for weeks without washing clothes, and I worry that someone is going to notice, and sometimes I even forget to shower. I can't focus enough to do anything, and I don't know how to ask for help because it's so embarrassing. I manage to go to work and do my job, because people depend on me, but when I'm by myself I just can't function.

[applespicy.livejournal.com]

That sounds so overwhelming. Is it just people you know that you have a hard time asking for help, or anyone? Have you considered any counseling?

I'm sorry that things are so hard. I truly hope that they get better for you.

[(Anonymous)]

My stock answer to counseling has always been to say I can't afford it, but deep down I know that's not true. The only reason I have money problems is because of my impulse control, and if I went to counseling, maybe I' be better at that, too...I don't know. I know I should, and I even suspect I know that the problem is severe ADHD (well, I've been diagnosed before, and I just...quit going to doctors. I don't know why.)

I think part of it is pride - even though I'm finally starting to acknowledge that there is something wrong with me, I can't bear the thought of going to anyone, even a complete stranger, and having them know that I can't even take care of myself. I want so bad to be able to fix myself, to somehow just magically pull myself together even though I haven't been able to do so in all the years I've lived away from my parents. I've just always hated asking for help, and I hate to know that I might need some kind of medication to function. I mean, intellectually I know there's no shame in it, but emotionally the idea of relying on drugs to function just...kills me.

Part of it is a fear that I'll go and find that it's not something (relatively) simple like ADHD, but that I'll have schizophrenia like my brother or something else awful and hard to treat, and then I'll be adding another burden to my parent's lives, because they already have to take care of him. I've watched him change from my big brother to a complete stranger that I can barely talk to and I'm just...terrified of what could be wrong with me, because I never want to be like that.

[applespicy.livejournal.com]

I get you on the therapy thing, I really do... I have considered therapy for some of my issues as well, but avoid going for basically the same reasons you talk about here. It's a huge thing to do.

I'm sorry that you have that fear. I can't imagine.