applespice | Secrets, Part 5

I had an affair. You make the fourth person who knows besides my therapist, me, and my partner in infidelity. The best part is that it was with someone outside of my public orientation.

I have blocked an LJ friend on Facebook for their overt religious posts. This makes three people I've blocked on FB on religious grounds.

Sometimes I don't bother to kick my pet out of the room when I masturbate.

i hate my stretch marks so much i want to cut myself up just to have some control over the marks on my body

My dad's a violent and drunken asshole

Sometimes, I hope that my relationship will fail when it goes long-distance just so I can be free again. Not that I'm particularly constrained right now, I just want to be single and hassle-free again sometimes.

I worry that I won't be able to do this thing that everyone (including me) thinks I'm going to be able to do. If I fail, how will I face them? How will I face myself?

I try to pretend I'm super understanding and tolerant of other people, but I just really want to shake religious people and scream in their faces about how they are literally ruining everything good about being a person in this country. I can't handle it. I want to leave.

I was raped as a teenager by a man who'd hidden his stalking me (for months) so well that I never knew until he bragged about it afterward. He took advantage of my being so busy (more than one job, school, keeping charge of my sibs), that I never saw it coming.

He broke into my home; I cannot have the doors unlocked anymore, especially at night. He was my first everything; I will never have happy memories of my first real kiss, of my first time, of the first man to act on his wanting me. What I will have are memories of being thrown to the ground by a man taller, broader, and heavier than myself, screaming and clawing, him forcing himself down my throat, and scrubbing my own blood out of the carpet afterward. And I'll have memories of my parents deciding it was more important to save a little face than to bring their daughter's stalker/rapist to justice.

I've been in a few serious relationships, and only one was able to really move past it. The others...the others changed. I was dirty. I was used goods. Hell, two began to abuse me themselves, because I was "already broken." One couldn't bear that I wouldn't be a virgin with him on our wedding night, if we got married. Only one cared that I felt broken, that sometimes I'd trigger when we were making out, and let me know he still loved me. We're not together anymore, but I've never been able to fully put into words to him how damn much that meant to me, that he'd stop, pull me to him, and tell me to cry if I needed to.

I've told maybe five or six people. But what I haven't told anyone, is that I still cry for the little girl who dreamed of a prince who'd kiss her, be her friend, and be sweet and gentle to her their first time together. And I cry for the woman who survived, who instinctively cringes away from touches or kisses even while she aches for them, who learned that to be told she was beautiful was to mean she then had to "pay up" in return for the compliment.

Thank you for this.

I struggle with making it through my day to day life. I manage to pull together appearances for work, but I have a hard time doing what everyone else does as a matter of course. My house is filthy - not messy, but filthy. I'm ashamed to ever have anyone over, and feel like some sort of animal because I can't make myself keep my house even sanitary. Food rots in my refrigerator, dishes go unwashed for months. I sleep wrapped in a quilt that hasn't been washed in months, and I don't even have sheets anymore, but I never remember to get more...and when I had them, they were dirty and torn. Sometimes I even go for weeks without washing clothes, and I worry that someone is going to notice, and sometimes I even forget to shower. I can't focus enough to do anything, and I don't know how to ask for help because it's so embarrassing. I manage to go to work and do my job, because people depend on me, but when I'm by myself I just can't function.

Sometimes I want to run away from home, even though I'm an adult in a happy relationship with a lot going for me, just to try something new, just to have a fresh start. I also really want to try and seduce/hook up with guys to see if I actually am as pretty as my S.O. says I am, but I also really fear men, so it will never happen I guess. I don't know, I'm just so comfortable. Which is good but also sort of uninteresting. I hate attention but I also crave it. I'm a people pleaser. I just want everybody to like me, even if I pretend to not care. I just want to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, best, but whenever I receive complements I can never quite believe them, but I need 'em.

Err... I posted a secret, but forgot to make myself anonymous. I deleted it pretty much instantaneously, but I know you still received a notification and can see it if you so desire.

So, I guess my secret is that I don't know how to work lj, ha ha.

I tell everyone that I'm okay, but I am really, really not. I have never felt so lonely.

Honestly, I'm not much of a secret person? And if I did have one, it would be something important to be a secret, so it would have to stay that way, and I don't think I would even admit it existed, either. :P But I think, either someone is in my social circle, in which case, I generally don't mind them to know me sincerely (figuring I won't get to have a real friendship with someone not really knowing me), or, they're not, and it's a moot point -- I will tell random people I meet, basically nothing about myself. I just don't always trust people unless I can figure out if they'd hate me for being on the LGBT spectrum and things like that. I guess my life has been pretty messed up in some respects, but I generally just walk around announcing these things (however awful or awkward sounding) rather than keeping a ton of secrets, so, I imagine anyone that is interested surely already knows about all my trauma and emotional stuff. Or if they missed it, it's still not much a secret. But now I am going to click "anonymous" since I'm curious if you would guess who leaves this comment? XDDD Hehe~ But yeah, I guess I generally don't have much motivation for secrecy...

For quite a bit of time I have come to really dislike my "best friend". She is very close-minded and ignorant. I have recently come to terms with myself being bisexual and nobody has had a problem with it...however my best friend I can't admit it to because she keeps saying "bisexuals just need to get over themselves and choose a side" etc.
Because of her being so judgmental I feel like I can't tell her a lot of things out of fear of her disliking me...I haven't even told her of my eating disorder {now you probably know who this is haha...well whatever} and I think this is not what a best friend relationship should be at all.
I know I should just drop her but...she was my first friend when I moved here, she is lovely a lot of the time and how do you even break off a friendship like that? I don't know what to do D:

When I joke about being stupid and useless and a waste of space with my friends because they're all real adults with real jobs, I'm not really joking.

so many secrets.

Some of which I have semi-talked around in my journal.

There is a man I want to be with but he is unavailable. I'm supposed to be this strong independent woman, and am in most places. I want the wedding, and kids.. but for this man, I would be a mistress, so long as he gave me the children I desire, I would be a kept woman for him.

It seems sad and pathetic for me when I think about it outside of my feelings that someone would settle for so little. But I discovered that some of him is better than all of someone else.

I have a friend, and I consider myself very lucky to know him. I know I should be satisfied with that, but I'm not - and I'm quite sure that anything beyond friendship would be impossible for us, for a number of reasons. He means more to me than he knows, and has affected my life in more ways than he realizes. I should remember that even if he doesn't feel about me the way I wish he did, he still cares a great deal. It's just hard for me to be happy with what I have, sometimes. These pent-up feelings have made me so anxious, restless, and insecure, and I worry that it's taking a toll on our friendship and other aspects of my life.

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