Secrets, Part 5

[applespice]

I haven't done one of these in years, but it just struck me today to put a post up. If you have something weighing on you that you'd like to get out, post it here!

Share a secret in the comments. Anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off, so share whatever you like.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little secretive today?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I was raped as a teenager by a man who'd hidden his stalking me (for months) so well that I never knew until he bragged about it afterward. He took advantage of my being so busy (more than one job, school, keeping charge of my sibs), that I never saw it coming.

He broke into my home; I cannot have the doors unlocked anymore, especially at night. He was my first everything; I will never have happy memories of my first real kiss, of my first time, of the first man to act on his wanting me. What I will have are memories of being thrown to the ground by a man taller, broader, and heavier than myself, screaming and clawing, him forcing himself down my throat, and scrubbing my own blood out of the carpet afterward. And I'll have memories of my parents deciding it was more important to save a little face than to bring their daughter's stalker/rapist to justice.

I've been in a few serious relationships, and only one was able to really move past it. The others...the others changed. I was dirty. I was used goods. Hell, two began to abuse me themselves, because I was "already broken." One couldn't bear that I wouldn't be a virgin with him on our wedding night, if we got married. Only one cared that I felt broken, that sometimes I'd trigger when we were making out, and let me know he still loved me. We're not together anymore, but I've never been able to fully put into words to him how damn much that meant to me, that he'd stop, pull me to him, and tell me to cry if I needed to.

I've told maybe five or six people. But what I haven't told anyone, is that I still cry for the little girl who dreamed of a prince who'd kiss her, be her friend, and be sweet and gentle to her their first time together. And I cry for the woman who survived, who instinctively cringes away from touches or kisses even while she aches for them, who learned that to be told she was beautiful was to mean she then had to "pay up" in return for the compliment.

Thank you for this.

[violentdragking.livejournal.com]

Holy crap, I'm so sorry that happened to you. If you do ever need to talk to someone who knows what it's like to go through that...feel free to e-mail me at kumochan@gmail.com or on here.

[applespicy.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say. You did not deserve this, and it breaks my heart to hear how others have responded to your pain. I'm not sure who you are, so I don't know what you look like physically, but I know that you are beautiful in your strength and honesty. You are not dirty, or changed, or less than because of what was taken from you.

So much love to you.

[leukocytes.livejournal.com]

Seconding the offer of someone to talk to, who has been through similar things. Just send me a message on here if you want to.

[kf4vkp.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Big ones.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

As someone who has been there, though mine was not a stranger rape but someone in my family. I understand.

For a long time I hated that my firsts were taken from me. And what I decided is those might have been firsts, but they weren't the first of me kissing someone. They weren't the first of me choosing to lay down with a partner. And since then, the firsts that I think of when I think of them, are those. The ones in which I chose to give myself to my partner and not the ones in which it was taken from me.

You are not broken. You are not damaged goods. You are someone who had something bad happen to them who is still deserving of the kind prince you dreamed about.

If telling someone makes them treat you badly or any way other than holding you if you have a trigger and being gentle when you give the yellow or green lights then kick them to the curb, your prince is out there.