applespice | Secrets, Part 5

Do you still communicate with your affair partner, or have you cut ties? Do you regret what happened?

Sorry for asking questions... I guess I'm curious about your mindset regarding your affair vs your current relationship. Of course, you have no obligation to answer!

I can relate to this. I hope that you don't let your fear hold you back - at least then, no matter what the outcome, you can say you gave your all.

Is it something that you genuinely want to succeed at, or just something that you feel is expected of you?

Extremely religious people are frustrating to me as well. I think I am even more frustrated knowing that they are often willfully ignorant as to the ways their behavior hurts others.

I'm sorry that you have suffered because of this... I hope you find a place where you feel safe and comfortable, whether that is in your current country or elsewhere.

I am so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say. You did not deserve this, and it breaks my heart to hear how others have responded to your pain. I'm not sure who you are, so I don't know what you look like physically, but I know that you are beautiful in your strength and honesty. You are not dirty, or changed, or less than because of what was taken from you.

So much love to you.

That sounds so overwhelming. Is it just people you know that you have a hard time asking for help, or anyone? Have you considered any counseling?

I'm sorry that things are so hard. I truly hope that they get better for you.

I relate to a lot of this. Do you think that it relates to self esteem issues? I know that's where it starts for me, but obviously everyone is different. Have you talked to your SO about this at all?

Err... I posted a secret, but forgot to make myself anonymous. I deleted it pretty much instantaneously, but I know you still received a notification and can see it if you so desire.

So, I guess my secret is that I don't know how to work lj, ha ha.

I tell everyone that I'm okay, but I am really, really not. I have never felt so lonely.

Seconding the offer of someone to talk to, who has been through similar things. Just send me a message on here if you want to.

My stock answer to counseling has always been to say I can't afford it, but deep down I know that's not true. The only reason I have money problems is because of my impulse control, and if I went to counseling, maybe I' be better at that, too...I don't know. I know I should, and I even suspect I know that the problem is severe ADHD (well, I've been diagnosed before, and I just...quit going to doctors. I don't know why.)

I think part of it is pride - even though I'm finally starting to acknowledge that there is something wrong with me, I can't bear the thought of going to anyone, even a complete stranger, and having them know that I can't even take care of myself. I want so bad to be able to fix myself, to somehow just magically pull myself together even though I haven't been able to do so in all the years I've lived away from my parents. I've just always hated asking for help, and I hate to know that I might need some kind of medication to function. I mean, intellectually I know there's no shame in it, but emotionally the idea of relying on drugs to function just...kills me.

Part of it is a fear that I'll go and find that it's not something (relatively) simple like ADHD, but that I'll have schizophrenia like my brother or something else awful and hard to treat, and then I'll be adding another burden to my parent's lives, because they already have to take care of him. I've watched him change from my big brother to a complete stranger that I can barely talk to and I'm just...terrified of what could be wrong with me, because I never want to be like that.

Honestly, I'm not much of a secret person? And if I did have one, it would be something important to be a secret, so it would have to stay that way, and I don't think I would even admit it existed, either. :P But I think, either someone is in my social circle, in which case, I generally don't mind them to know me sincerely (figuring I won't get to have a real friendship with someone not really knowing me), or, they're not, and it's a moot point -- I will tell random people I meet, basically nothing about myself. I just don't always trust people unless I can figure out if they'd hate me for being on the LGBT spectrum and things like that. I guess my life has been pretty messed up in some respects, but I generally just walk around announcing these things (however awful or awkward sounding) rather than keeping a ton of secrets, so, I imagine anyone that is interested surely already knows about all my trauma and emotional stuff. Or if they missed it, it's still not much a secret. But now I am going to click "anonymous" since I'm curious if you would guess who leaves this comment? XDDD Hehe~ But yeah, I guess I generally don't have much motivation for secrecy...

Hugs. Big ones.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

As someone who has been there, though mine was not a stranger rape but someone in my family. I understand.

For a long time I hated that my firsts were taken from me. And what I decided is those might have been firsts, but they weren't the first of me kissing someone. They weren't the first of me choosing to lay down with a partner. And since then, the firsts that I think of when I think of them, are those. The ones in which I chose to give myself to my partner and not the ones in which it was taken from me.

You are not broken. You are not damaged goods. You are someone who had something bad happen to them who is still deserving of the kind prince you dreamed about.

If telling someone makes them treat you badly or any way other than holding you if you have a trigger and being gentle when you give the yellow or green lights then kick them to the curb, your prince is out there.

For quite a bit of time I have come to really dislike my "best friend". She is very close-minded and ignorant. I have recently come to terms with myself being bisexual and nobody has had a problem with it...however my best friend I can't admit it to because she keeps saying "bisexuals just need to get over themselves and choose a side" etc.
Because of her being so judgmental I feel like I can't tell her a lot of things out of fear of her disliking me...I haven't even told her of my eating disorder {now you probably know who this is haha...well whatever} and I think this is not what a best friend relationship should be at all.
I know I should just drop her but...she was my first friend when I moved here, she is lovely a lot of the time and how do you even break off a friendship like that? I don't know what to do D:

When I joke about being stupid and useless and a waste of space with my friends because they're all real adults with real jobs, I'm not really joking.

Oh yeah I have self esteem issues out the wazoo. And I do bring up this topic (maybe not so much the running away part, at least not in a way that seems like it is the SO's fault) with my SO, and he reassures me on all points, but he's just one person, and it doesn't fill that "everyone must like me" need.

so many secrets.

Some of which I have semi-talked around in my journal.

There is a man I want to be with but he is unavailable. I'm supposed to be this strong independent woman, and am in most places. I want the wedding, and kids.. but for this man, I would be a mistress, so long as he gave me the children I desire, I would be a kept woman for him.

It seems sad and pathetic for me when I think about it outside of my feelings that someone would settle for so little. But I discovered that some of him is better than all of someone else.

This is 110% correct. I should fess up and be dumped. But I'm a coward and don't wanna lose my partner.

You ask good questions. I should stop talking about this here, but I kinda owe you an answer. Even anon, this is cathartic.

Since we broke it off we've seen each other socially, occasionally. We're not gonna let ourselves be alone together ever again. Neither of us wants to lose our partners or make the other lose theirs.

I regret not regretting it.

I know what you mean.

(By socially I mean, at social gatherings. Not one on one.)

I honestly wish you the best. It sounds like a really complicated situation.

I get you on the therapy thing, I really do... I have considered therapy for some of my issues as well, but avoid going for basically the same reasons you talk about here. It's a huge thing to do.

I'm sorry that you have that fear. I can't imagine.

It sucks how much I get you right now, but I know what you mean. It sucks. I hope that you find what you need ♥

Your secret is safe with me ;)

I'm sorry. Loneliness is such a terrible feeling.

Secrets, Part 5

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