applespice | Secrets, Part 5

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Secrets, Part 5

I haven't done one of these in years, but it just struck me today to put a post up. If you have something weighing on you that you'd like to get out, post it here!

Share a secret in the comments. Anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off, so share whatever you like.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little secretive today?

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I had an affair. You make the fourth person who knows besides my therapist, me, and my partner in infidelity. The best part is that it was with someone outside of my public orientation.

I have blocked an LJ friend on Facebook for their overt religious posts. This makes three people I've blocked on FB on religious grounds.

Do you think you'll tell anyone else, or keep it under your hat indefinitely?

I can't say I blame you. Overly religious stuff drives me bananas. The only person I've ever cut from LJ who didn't cut me first was a girl who was really super Christian/conservative and I got sick of hearing about it.

Sometimes I don't bother to kick my pet out of the room when I masturbate.

i hate my stretch marks so much i want to cut myself up just to have some control over the marks on my body

Exactly, and it doesn't matter to me which religion it is, if it's constant and trying to convert others, then I am not interested.

The sad part to me about this person is that messages are so frequently anti-women, though I am not sure if she knows this. She seems to be trying to adhere to a Christian formula, but every time she posts an image or a saying, it puts women down, and that's what REALLY bothers me.

My dad's a violent and drunken asshole

Ugh, gross. Are you still LJ friends with her? Does she post that kind of stuff on LJ?

Hey, sometimes you just can't bother with the fuss!

I'm so sorry. I've had that feeling about parts of my body and I know how awful it is. Like you just want to tear your skin off.

Sometimes, I hope that my relationship will fail when it goes long-distance just so I can be free again. Not that I'm particularly constrained right now, I just want to be single and hassle-free again sometimes.

Shit. I'm sorry. That's so awful.

Yes we are still LJ friends, though she does not post much anymore, but even before she didn't post religious stuff. This was a bit of a shocker.

I have been there in the past. Ultimately, though, the relationships didn't work out. I guess I probably kinda wanted it that way.

Weeeeeird.

I worry that I won't be able to do this thing that everyone (including me) thinks I'm going to be able to do. If I fail, how will I face them? How will I face myself?

Neither of our SOs would ever forgive us if they knew. Neither would our mutual friends.

I try to pretend I'm super understanding and tolerant of other people, but I just really want to shake religious people and scream in their faces about how they are literally ruining everything good about being a person in this country. I can't handle it. I want to leave.

I was raped as a teenager by a man who'd hidden his stalking me (for months) so well that I never knew until he bragged about it afterward. He took advantage of my being so busy (more than one job, school, keeping charge of my sibs), that I never saw it coming.

He broke into my home; I cannot have the doors unlocked anymore, especially at night. He was my first everything; I will never have happy memories of my first real kiss, of my first time, of the first man to act on his wanting me. What I will have are memories of being thrown to the ground by a man taller, broader, and heavier than myself, screaming and clawing, him forcing himself down my throat, and scrubbing my own blood out of the carpet afterward. And I'll have memories of my parents deciding it was more important to save a little face than to bring their daughter's stalker/rapist to justice.

I've been in a few serious relationships, and only one was able to really move past it. The others...the others changed. I was dirty. I was used goods. Hell, two began to abuse me themselves, because I was "already broken." One couldn't bear that I wouldn't be a virgin with him on our wedding night, if we got married. Only one cared that I felt broken, that sometimes I'd trigger when we were making out, and let me know he still loved me. We're not together anymore, but I've never been able to fully put into words to him how damn much that meant to me, that he'd stop, pull me to him, and tell me to cry if I needed to.

I've told maybe five or six people. But what I haven't told anyone, is that I still cry for the little girl who dreamed of a prince who'd kiss her, be her friend, and be sweet and gentle to her their first time together. And I cry for the woman who survived, who instinctively cringes away from touches or kisses even while she aches for them, who learned that to be told she was beautiful was to mean she then had to "pay up" in return for the compliment.

Thank you for this.

While cheating might have been a mistake, isn't the real problem if now you are enjoying your partner's affection knowing that they wouldn't necessarily consent to give it to you under these conditions? That seems ethically unacceptable and no solution at all.

Holy crap, I'm so sorry that happened to you. If you do ever need to talk to someone who knows what it's like to go through that...feel free to e-mail me at kumochan@gmail.com or on here.

I struggle with making it through my day to day life. I manage to pull together appearances for work, but I have a hard time doing what everyone else does as a matter of course. My house is filthy - not messy, but filthy. I'm ashamed to ever have anyone over, and feel like some sort of animal because I can't make myself keep my house even sanitary. Food rots in my refrigerator, dishes go unwashed for months. I sleep wrapped in a quilt that hasn't been washed in months, and I don't even have sheets anymore, but I never remember to get more...and when I had them, they were dirty and torn. Sometimes I even go for weeks without washing clothes, and I worry that someone is going to notice, and sometimes I even forget to shower. I can't focus enough to do anything, and I don't know how to ask for help because it's so embarrassing. I manage to go to work and do my job, because people depend on me, but when I'm by myself I just can't function.

Sometimes I want to run away from home, even though I'm an adult in a happy relationship with a lot going for me, just to try something new, just to have a fresh start. I also really want to try and seduce/hook up with guys to see if I actually am as pretty as my S.O. says I am, but I also really fear men, so it will never happen I guess. I don't know, I'm just so comfortable. Which is good but also sort of uninteresting. I hate attention but I also crave it. I'm a people pleaser. I just want everybody to like me, even if I pretend to not care. I just want to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, best, but whenever I receive complements I can never quite believe them, but I need 'em.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure.html

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Secrets, Part 5

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