LJ Idol - Week 2 - Deconstruction

[applespice]

The body I inhabit is not always mine.

Sometimes it is solid, strong, and lean - all of the things that I have worked so hard for it to be. When I walk I feel the muscles move under my skin like steel under silk. When I stand I find myself in photo-ready poses, one hip jutting out and my face turned subconsciously toward the light. I am confident and proud, and talk candidly about my workout routines and how carefully I design my diet. Out in the world my body is beautiful, healthy, and most of all - mine.

In the mirror, my body does not belong to me. I am trapped behind the glass, a grotesque parody of myself. Where before there were muscles and lean lines, now there are pouches and gobbets and shelves of fat, disfiguring the image of perfection that I have conjured in my moments away from my reflection. In the mirror, the hours in the gym disappear. All I can see are the ways that I've cheated - the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup I had at lunch, or that time I took the elevator instead of the stairs.

Skinny. Skinny. Skinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinny...

I suck in my stomach. I turn to one side, then the other, then the first again. Tears come to my eyes. I blame myself, God, the universe, my parents. What did I do to deserve this?? I've worked so hard.

The body is no longer a body at all. It's an animal, a monster, a shapeless and inhuman blob of failure and disappointment. It certainly isn't me.

For the next week and a half, I eat perfectly. No slip-ups. I work harder than ever at the gym. Everything starts to come back into alignment. I avoid punishing myself - I know better than to think that works; I've tried it before. Instead I focus on healthy goal-setting. Health is happiness, right?

Inevitably, though, I stumble. I eat a packet of chips instead of carrot sticks. I quit a workout early. Then again I am faced with the self that is not me and the body that is not mine.

Sometimes I feel as though these islands of self-hatred and frustration are inescapable. My stomach will never be flat enough. I will never be skinny enough. I'm not sure if I even know what "skinny" means anymore, if it's a mantra or a curse, a descriptor or an obsession or a lifestyle. Maybe it's just a social construct, totally meaningless on its own. Maybe one day I won't care anymore.

Comments

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

it's a strong piece. uncomfortable, and powerful.

[dakotawitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

[ameaston22.livejournal.com]

I believe that we (women) can all relate to this. I'll look in the mirror and see every imperfection. The small stretch marks on my hips and thighs, the wide child bearing hips, the tiny little stomach still left from having my toddler...all these things just stick out and make me want to scream. I'll long for the size 4 body that I once inhabited. The one that could squeeze into skinny jeans and not have the muffin top peaking out. The one who bought a size small without second thought. I have begun to realize that these imperfections are beautiful. My body is only a small piece of who I am and not even the most significant one. I LOVE LOVE LOVE food and while I desire to be healthy, I am not going to beat myself up over every little piece of candy or hamburger that I choose to eat. There is this blog that I read about a woman who survived a plane crash and 80 percent of her body was burned. She said something really powerful that stuck with me, "I am not my body" As a society, we have associated "skinny" with beautiful. What is skinny? I've seen some 200 + pound women who are GOREGOUS. My husband would look at me with those same admiring eyes if I was 400 or 100 pounds. My kids wouldn't care if I grew an extra nose as long as I gave them goodnight kisses and hugs. So really...why the obsession?

[chewbob.livejournal.com]

You are so beautiful, inside and out. I know that's all cliche and lame but I figure I'm allowed to say it since I've hung out with you and stuff, so I've got a little bit of research to back up the subject. BUT ANYWAYS. You still hit on some pretty key points, especially looking in the mirror and seeing all the mistakes. Man, can I relate. Sometimes you've just got to wrap your arms around yourself and say, "I love you no matter what."

<3

[violentdragking.livejournal.com]

This makes me want to come find you, and hug you, and tell you how beautiful you are.

Thanks for sharing this, because I know it couldn't have been easy to write and share with the world.

[wyliekat.livejournal.com]

It's far too easy to relate to this. The rounds of self-torture are probably worse than the rounds of dieting.

Also - I had to laugh because I used the word gobbets in my entry, too. It's quite a useful descriptor when you want gore.

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

I'm a dude who is getting into shape for the first time in his life, and I feel this way all the time now. The more weight I lose, the more stressed out about it I get.

Nice portrayal of this anxiety.

[michellerz.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written by a beautiful person who should always believe that she IS beautiful inside and out!!!!!

[team-jessie.livejournal.com]

Yep. You nailed it!

[alphaloria.livejournal.com]

I relate very, very much to this.

For me, what I see in the mirror depends on how I'm feeling about myself as a person. Good self-esteem? I'm workin' it. Self-esteem floating in a sewer? I'm suddenly 1000 pounds overweight. It's really a mindf&ck.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

I, too, have dealt with body image issues for a number of years. It's not an easy space to inhabit. I just wanted to say that you're not alone.

[serpentpixie.livejournal.com]

<3

[(Anonymous)]

I don't even know you but I am very proud of your writing this.

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

nicely written; I want to hug you and tell you not to be so hard on yourself, and then I think hey, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself....we all deserve to love our own bodies. :)

[the-vernacular.livejournal.com]

I think it's very brave of you to write such an incisive self-critical post. Not brave as in, like "risky for the contest," but brave as in it's hard to turn that close-up lens onto ourselves.

[pricelessone.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of Portia de Rossi's book Unbearable Lightness where she shares about her own body image issues. Perhaps it would be triggering for you, and if so, steer clear. But please know there is hope on the other side of the pain.

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

I know how that is like. Whenever I'm dieting, there is always a day when I eat too much and go over my calorie intake. *siigh*.

[closeyoureyes.livejournal.com]

don't do this to yourself! you're so BEAUTIFUL - inside and out. for real, whenever I go on your journal I think to myself "oh she's the really pretty friend I have with the beautiful eyes!"

don't obsess about weight - it's so not worth it. it takes over your life. don't let it. just be confident and know that you are GORGEOUS! ♥

[sketchybrunette.livejournal.com]

Such an honest piece. Thanks for sharing.

[rejeneration.livejournal.com]

Are you talking to someone?

[amomentarythot.livejournal.com]

You've definitely hit a nerve with most of us females. One of my uni friends was borderline anorexic. Her method of self-torture was to study all the popular women's magazines in the library and compare herself to every single model within *shakes head*

[bewize.livejournal.com]

A piece that I (and probably too many of us) can relate to. Well done.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

This was a courageous piece to write, and even more so to share. Thank you.

[i-id.livejournal.com]

I kind of want to borrow your opening line. I'm not sure for what. But thank you, for sharing this.

(Though you've torpedoed my idea of writing this on body issues, now)

[basric.livejournal.com]

Well written on a tough subject.