LJ Idol - Week 2 - Deconstruction

[applespice]

The body I inhabit is not always mine.

Sometimes it is solid, strong, and lean - all of the things that I have worked so hard for it to be. When I walk I feel the muscles move under my skin like steel under silk. When I stand I find myself in photo-ready poses, one hip jutting out and my face turned subconsciously toward the light. I am confident and proud, and talk candidly about my workout routines and how carefully I design my diet. Out in the world my body is beautiful, healthy, and most of all - mine.

In the mirror, my body does not belong to me. I am trapped behind the glass, a grotesque parody of myself. Where before there were muscles and lean lines, now there are pouches and gobbets and shelves of fat, disfiguring the image of perfection that I have conjured in my moments away from my reflection. In the mirror, the hours in the gym disappear. All I can see are the ways that I've cheated - the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup I had at lunch, or that time I took the elevator instead of the stairs.

Skinny. Skinny. Skinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinny...

I suck in my stomach. I turn to one side, then the other, then the first again. Tears come to my eyes. I blame myself, God, the universe, my parents. What did I do to deserve this?? I've worked so hard.

The body is no longer a body at all. It's an animal, a monster, a shapeless and inhuman blob of failure and disappointment. It certainly isn't me.

For the next week and a half, I eat perfectly. No slip-ups. I work harder than ever at the gym. Everything starts to come back into alignment. I avoid punishing myself - I know better than to think that works; I've tried it before. Instead I focus on healthy goal-setting. Health is happiness, right?

Inevitably, though, I stumble. I eat a packet of chips instead of carrot sticks. I quit a workout early. Then again I am faced with the self that is not me and the body that is not mine.

Sometimes I feel as though these islands of self-hatred and frustration are inescapable. My stomach will never be flat enough. I will never be skinny enough. I'm not sure if I even know what "skinny" means anymore, if it's a mantra or a curse, a descriptor or an obsession or a lifestyle. Maybe it's just a social construct, totally meaningless on its own. Maybe one day I won't care anymore.

Comments

[greenfernway.livejournal.com]

I liked it and I think that it is something we all have struggled with one time or another.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Society being the way it is, I'm sure many folks can relate to this. Strongly written - thanks for sharing.

[vaguelyclear.livejournal.com]

I don't comment a lot on your weight/body issue posts because it's difficult for me to do so, as your friend. I know you have these constant thoughts and worries about the way you look and how you feel in your body, but because I am not plagued by those kinds of thoughts about myself as much as you seem to be about yourself, it's hard for me to understand what it is you see whenever you look in the mirror.

Truthfully, I hate seeing you so down on yourself. It makes me sad. Especially when it comes to your body/image because whenever I see a photo or video of you, I see a pretty, healthy young woman with the bluest eyes ever. And even if it takes you years to see what I see, Allison, I hope it happens for you because you really are beautiful just the way you are. ♥

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

It is the hardest thing to realize, that what we see when we look inside the mirror is not what other people see. That they can think we are attractive, while we think we are grotesque.

I've never weighed myself since high school, it was just too painful no matter the result. Now I walk through life with the hands over my ears going *lalalala I don't give a crap about my body*.

It's almost funny that the hardest thing to learn to love is ourselves.

This was very well written, on a painful subject. Good luck!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of people who can relate to this. Thank you for sharing.

[awriterswindow.livejournal.com]

Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us. I know how hard it is to tell everyone about this aspect of yourself...my entry this week was basically about having the opposite issue and struggling that way. It's not easy to write and it's not easy to let everyone see...so thank you.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way about your body. I've gone through phases like this myself, but luckily seem able to snap out of it before I'm any danger to myself.

[tommyelf.livejournal.com]

As someone else struggling with personal image issues, I have to say this was extremely brave of you to share. Thank you for baring this part of your world for everyone. Hugs!

[so-small.livejournal.com]

I think this is something most of us have struggled with at one point or another. *hugs*

[nishi-kaze.livejournal.com]

This was really good, and a very intimate portrayal. Probably one we can all identify with, too - we don't have a critic harsher than ourselves.

It really is something that never ends - while in college, I got down to my lowest weight. I look at pictures and god damn was I skinny. But at the time, all I could see was that last bit of flab just over my belt. And I'm pretty far from that weight now... it's tough to find this mythical Zen spot where you just eat healthily and are happy with where you're at.

[worldofcharlie.livejournal.com]

This is a very powerful piece...

I deal with dysphoria with the body, since I'm male and the body's female (I'm multiple)...

Carrie (my headmate) can relate to this specifically, for many years she had a very high metabolism..and once she turned 25-ish...she gained quite a bit of weight (she's pretty short)..and in her head she was still 90 lbs for a long time...

*nods*

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this...too well perhaps.


Nicely done.

[pixie117.livejournal.com]

I completely get this. I almost wrote on it as well. I tear myself up constantly. I have a special LJ filter where I write about this stuff because I am too afraid to openly write about it, afraid people will judge me that don't understand.

I suck in my stomach. I turn to one side, then the other, then the first again. Tears come to my eyes. I blame myself, God, the universe, my parents. What did I do to deserve this?? I've worked so hard.

THIS could have been written by me. The worst part about it is I don't want to change because I just HAVE to be skinny. It's sick the lengths I will go.